Clean
by FullReverse
Summary: "You don't need anyone to tell you that, Tony," his mamma would say with a smile, fond and absolutely beautiful. "Because I'm not the one telling you this. You are." Tony has a secret. He copes by drinking - and, replaying memories of his mamma in his head.


**I couldn't help myself. Not after watching the Civil War trailer and seeing the Stucky fandom blow up. Then, I watched Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods" and listened to "Clean" on repeat, which lead to me using some of the lyrics in this story. I also had some inspiration from a blog called "blossomfully" run by Sue Zhao.**

 **Disclaimer** **: All credits go to her and Taylor Swift, as well as Marvel. I don't know anything. Hope you guys enjoy it. ^-^**

* * *

Tony could almost hear her voice, soft and melodious, as he gulped down another glass of cognac. "I know it hurts, bambino," she would say. "But, it's going to get better." She would kiss his temple and pull him into her arms, humming an Italian lullaby under her breath. Her fingers would card through his hair in the way that had him leaning into her touch and sighing happily. "There will always be light at the end of the tunnel."

He wanted to yell, to shout that there was no light. That Steve was his light and now, that's he's gone, all that's left was darkness. He wanted to cry, to sob into her warm embrace, syrupy and inviting, and never let go. But, she was gone and he had no more tears to cry, no more voice to speak. Not when no one would listen.

"I know it's hard," his mamma would whisper quietly into his ear. "I know it hurts that he left, but you shouldn't blame yourself for his lack of affection. It's not your fault he left." She would untangle their arms and cup his cheek, gently turning his head to look at her. There would be a smile on her lips, one that seemed like she was about to cry, but her eyes, filled with ethereal beauty, would shine brighter than the heavens. "He doesn't deserve you. Not when he used you to forget the one he loved."

It would be him, who would pull her into a hug this time around, crying earnestly into her shoulder for the kind words that he hadn't thought he wanted to hear, but needed to. "Just let it all out, bambino. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Then, stand up and smile. Because now you won't let yourself cry over him again."

He pushed the now empty glass away. Drinking had always been his way of crying, ever since his parents had died, but he never drank for the same reason twice. And, he wasn't ever going to drink because of a stupid reason named Steve ever again.

"That's my boy," his mamma would praise, the words catching in her throat as if she was choked with pride. "You're so strong and so beautiful, bambino. Don't let anyone tarnish your shine. You may think that you are nothing, compared to the gold than is Captain America and the silver that is Sergeant Barnes, but you are more than bronze, more than iron. Stark men may be forged in iron, but Carbonell folk are refined as diamonds . We grow under intense pressure and when it's time, we shine brighter than anything else. We are stronger than anything we encounter. You are a diamond, bambino. Don't let cheap gold or silver take your shine away."

He knew those were heavy words coming from a woman who couldn't even keep herself together. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't Howard he hadn't gotten his alcoholism from. It had been his mamma. He had watched as his mom would take a sip of bourbon or cognac or even whisky after a fight with Howard, just to drown all her worries and concerns. He had been there when she took anti-depressants, sometimes more than the recommended dosage, just to get some relief from the raging, all consuming storm that was her life. But never once, did she show that side of her to him. Never once did she let him see her tears or the anger she held inside at his father, at the world. And, that's why he loved her. Because it's hard to make someone happy when they're sad, but it's even harder to make someone happy when you're sad.

"You're smarter than your father, infinitely stronger than Captain America, and deserve to be loved much more than you think." Her hand would stroke his cheek tenderly, fingertips following every contour of his face. And if there were tears, she would use the heel of her hand to wipe them away gently, like breeze kissing his cheek. "But, let me ask you this, is he's not doing anything to keep you, then why are you fighting to stay?"

The question was soft, spoken in her sweet, sweet voice. His eyes fluttered close as if he was gathering the answers from all over and bringing them to his mind. He didn't want to say it. He didn't even want to have those words in his head, but mamma would know. She always knew, even when he was lying and maybe, that's why he was brutally honest with her. Because he could be himself, without the lies, the masks, and the walls. He could be Tony, just Tony, not Stark, or a billionaire, or a genius. He would be just Tony, her son, and that's what made her his mamma and not Maria.

He was fighting to stay because he was, as Yinsen once said, a person who had everything but yet at the same time, nothing. He hated to admit it, but he was... lonely. Growing up, he had Jarvis and mamma. (Never Howard) Then around MIT, he added Rhodey to the list, but lost Jarvis and mamma. Pepper became the second person on the list and had stayed, though her position had wavered from time to time. The Avengers were close to being the newest additions, but they didn't quite make it. Steve was the closest. He had slipped onto the list for a short while, but his status was demoted immediately and Tony was left with two people. JARVIS made three, but he was gone, too. FRIDAY was still too early in the works to be a third. All that means was that he was terribly lonely. Even if he was used to it.

"But, you shouldn't be used to it." Her ferocity rivaled a lioness protecting her cub. "No one should be." She spoke so lowly that Tony almost didn't hear her. He didn't smile. It was clear that he didn't believe it.

"Don't give me that look."

Tony frowned. What look? It was just his face, wasn't it?

"Don't look at me like you've already given up, bambino." She would rest a hand on his shoulder, just like she had those many years ago, and make him look at her. But, he couldn't. He didn't dare to meet her eyes. He didn't want her to see that he had already resigned to his fate. Being alone was just a part of who he was.

"This isn't you," his mamma corrected with a shake of her head. "This is what society is forcing you to be." She bit her lip. "No, not society." Her voice became shaky, her breath shallow as if she was having troubling breathing. "No, this is what your father did."

It wasn't just Howard who led to his isolation, but he didn't want to say it, not when it would mean giving in to his weakness. Not when it would mean that what was said in SHIELD's report was true. That he was really self-destructive, compulsive, and a textbook narcissist. It would mean that he really wasn't worth anything out of his suit. That he was only worth what he built. It would be admitting to the fact that he wasn't a hero. Hell, that he wasn't a good person at all. All the more reason for him to deny it to the very end.

"That's not true." Tony could try to correct her and say that it was, but she would just shake her head. So, he didn't. Because deep down, he knew this was what he needed to hear. "You are not the opinion of those who don't know you. They don't know that you're self-destructive because life isn't easy to live and that it's easy for people to get lost in the tide. They don't know that you are compulsive because you can't sit still, you always need to be moving. Because if you don't, then the memories will catch up and you would have to live through them again. They don't know that you simply act narcissist. It's just a mask that you wear to match the safety you feel in the suit. It separates you from the rest of the world and keeps you safe. But not only that... and this is my fault, I know it.. you praise highly of yourself because you know that if you don't, then no one will. Bambino, I know you. And, you are nothing those people say you are."

"You are a good person," she continued with conviction. There was no doubt that she had a sparkle in her eye. "You changed, angelo. You stood up even after everything the world has thrown at you. You saw the errors in your ways and sought to change it. In doing so, you made the world a better place. . You saved lives, while putting your own life at risk. So, don't tell me you're not a hero. You are a hero. And more than anything, you are a survivor. You don't need anyone to tell you that. Least of all me."

But, he did need someone to tell him. Someone that wasn't himself. Someone that he would believe wholly with all his heart. That someone was once Pepper, was once Steve, but they all vacated the position, leaving his heart a barren wasteland.

"You don't need anyone to tell you that, Tony," his mamma would say with a smile, fond and absolutely beautiful. "Because I'm not the one telling you this. You are ." She placed a soft kiss on his forehead, hugging him tightly, and let go. The next he knew she was gone.

* * *

"Mamma!" Tony shot up instantly, knocking the chair he had fallen asleep on in his haste. He glanced around, his eyes darting to and fro, but to his dismay, his mamma was nowhere in sight.

"Sir?"

"FRIDAY?" Reality hit him like a splash of ice cold water, spilling into his existence, and waking him up from his fantasy. "What time is it?"

"It is 5:32 am, sir. Are you alright?" His AI sounded concerned, her voice low as if not to startle him.

"Actually, I think I am." Tony was almost surprised by his answer, but the dream he had felt so real. Even if his mamma was dead, it felt good to see her again. It showed him just how terribly he missed her and how maybe, he wasn't such a bad person after all, if his beliefs surfaced in the form of memories of mamma.

"Will you be needing anything, sir?"

Tony thought about it for a second. "Tell Pepper and Rhodey that I'm going on vacation."

Considering everything he had been through in the past few months, Steve leaving him, the SHRA failing and he and his company being slandered (which they barely recovered from, due to Pepper being the brilliant CEO that she was), he definitely needed a vacation. A long one.

"Malibu, sir?"

He grinned. "You know me too well, FRIDAY."

"I do live to serve," FRIDAY quipped and Tony laughed for the first time in what felt like months. A smile graced his lips, softening his features, as he added FRIDAY to the list. Number Four.

* * *

The waves crashed against the sand, soothing and familiar to his ears. Tony stood where the water kissed the shores and took a step forward. The cool water pooled around his feet, sweeping his ankles, and as he looked out into the beautiful sunset, Tony felt clean.

He lost him, but he found himself and somehow that was everything.


End file.
